Today I'm going to talk metal. You can't beat a bit of metal - I should explain that I'm referring to heavy metal, but it'll always be plain old metal to me. I have metal to thank for my sanity - there's no way I'd make it through commuting with my marbles intact if I didn't have a sonic assault blasting each ear so hard it meets in the middle like some kind of righteous fireball in my brain. Woo hah. I am, frankly, a sheep in a slowly moving pen when I'm on the Tube, or the train, so it helps to retain a little individuality. Metal, my friend, is my constant.
I like to look around the carriage at all the people who couldn't stand even a slice of the full-on thrash I'm positively feasting upon. You, over there, in the black jacket. Yeah, you, college boy. You couldn't even get through Metallica's Black Album (an impressive yet highly commercial offering) without literally soiling yourself. And you in the corner, with your iPod. I'm guessing from your hat that you're listening to indie. You may think you're the cheese, but metal's never been in fashion, so I've got some timeless shit pouring into my lugholes.
Sometimes I see the odd character who looks like s/he could swallow a riff or two. That's when I know it's time to take it up a notch. I may not look like much of an adversary, with my rotund frame and sensible shoes, but listen closer. What's that coming from my 'phones? That's right. Dragonforce, my man. Power metal, complete with Dungeons & Dragons lyrics and warp-speed widdly diddly solos. Even I can only take 20 minutes at a time, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in the carriage. And that makes me different... doesn't it? Metal fact!
The first use of the phrase 'heavy metal' in a song is in Steppenwolf's Born To Be Wild.
The full line, as if you needed telling, is '"I like smoke and lightning/Heavy metal thunder/Racin' with the wind/And the feelin' that I'm under." One of the first recorded instances is in William Burroughs' novel The Soft Machine, which features a character known as The Heavy Metal Kid. Pah, that skinny beatnik probably thinks Led Zeppelin count as metal.
Try the QFK scale of metalness - download these songs and see where you draw the line:
- Bon Jovi: Livin' on a Prayer
- Metallica: Enter Sandman
- Korn: Freak on a Leash
- Megadeth: Symphony of Destruction
- Trivium: Rain
- Avenged Sevenfold: Beast and the Harlot
- Slipknot: Eyeless
- Slayer: Angel of Death
- Dragonforce: Through the Fire and Flames
- Cradle of Filth: Her Ghost in the Fog
N.B. This is not a list in order of heaviness, or indeed in order of quality. It's more a test of your metalistic limits, as each slice o' metal feels more otherwordly and wrong than the one that went before. Even I draw the line at Cradle of Filth.
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