<< Could Kojak crack the case before Bolt finished the 200m? In a word, no.
Home-grown Olympians have been tearing up the record books over in Beijing, so I've been going for a bit of history myself - yes, I've gone a whole week without updating a daily blog, obliterating my previous record of, I dunno, a couple of days less. To get us started, we're travelling back through the mists of time to last Thursday, a halcyon evening which reached it's blissful peak at 9pm, when we watched Traffic Cops and ate a jacket potato. I learnt that skewering a baked potato all the way through makes it cook quicker, which was handy, as otherwise I would have missed the fallout from a crash between "a car... and a house", which physically COULD NOT BE RECREATED. It's not that they couldn't afford it, of course - it just couldn't be done.
Further record-breaking behaviour on Friday night - I found out that Hailie McDaniel was the first African-American actress to win an Oscar. I read this in the back of a quiz book, for there was nobody around to ask me the questions. I did a quiz with myself on a Friday night, which may give me some kind of unwanted title - World's Saddest Twat, perhaps. At least I'm not the only one who's bitter. Forgotten director George Lucas attempted to buy the rights to make Flash Gordon into a film, but was beaten to it. Flash Gordon was made in all it's Blessed-heavy glory, and Lucas skulked off to make something called Star Wars. That was Saturday, the day Usain Bolt jogged to a world record, while I laboured up a canal towpath on a short walk.
As Saturday night turned into Sunday morning, my brother pointed out to me that Dmitri, the keytar player from Flight of the Conchords, is in fact the rather droll stand-up comedian Dmitri Martin, who you can see (well, hear) here. On Monday I redirected my gaze towards the Olympics once again - I know it's been an overused feature in recent days, but when I'm sat at home on the sick, in front of the TV, and no matter how hard I press the remote my senses are continually bombarded with cycling, sailing and all manner of prestigious yet entirely unwatchable events, it's pretty much inevitable. If you're not wilting at the sheer scale of this post already, I'll invite you to second guess this fact in advance - what do you think is the most dangerous sport in the world?
If you said crocodile goading, alpine aviation or the motorway 100m, you'd be wrong - it's the pole vault. This is generally due to the poles breaking and competitors being thrust to the asphalt below - like you couldn't have guessed that. I've always been slightly confused by pole vaulters, in so much as I don't understand how you find out you're good at it. Perhaps the great Sergey Bubka was once a painter/decorator back in Donetsk, fell backwards on his ladder in classic Frank Spencer style, and accidentally catapulted himself over an entire row of houses. Perhaps not. Of course, those flash fuckers over in China weren't the only ones bringing home the gold this week - hell no. I'm currently engaged in an epic Scrabulous clash, and am winning a best-of-5 contest 2-1, though frankly it should be all over by now. When you log in to Scrabulous (as I have done approximately 1000 times this week) it gives you a greeting in a random language. Imagine my surprise yesterday when I was greeted with the phrase 'Kia ora' - last heard describing a delicious brand of squash and immediately followed by the words 'oogy boogy boogy boogy' (in an ad that's a lot more racist than I remembered). Kia ora is in fact a traditional Maori greeting - it loosely translates as 'too orangey for crows'.
And so to tonight, 6 days on from the glory of Traffic Cops, and my new hero Usain Bolt has managed to break two world records in the time it took me to post one entry. Bet he's shit at Scrabulous though - no, actually, I imagine he's brilliant at that too. Tonight we watched a very odd 70s film called Lisa and the Devil, starring Telly 'Kojak' Savalas as Leandro, a butler who may or may not be the devil (hint: they superimposed a drawing of the devil over his face to show the incredible likeness). Telly Savalas is of course famous for a. being bald b. "who loves ya, baby?" and c. sucking on a lollipop (this is not a euphemism). Well, tonight I learned that Telly Savalas first sucked on a lollipop in Lisa and the Devil, as he was trying to give up smoking whilst making the film. Later the same year, and still struggling to stay off the tabs, Tel landed the plum role of Kojak, kept with the lollies, and a legend was born.
Further record-breaking behaviour on Friday night - I found out that Hailie McDaniel was the first African-American actress to win an Oscar. I read this in the back of a quiz book, for there was nobody around to ask me the questions. I did a quiz with myself on a Friday night, which may give me some kind of unwanted title - World's Saddest Twat, perhaps. At least I'm not the only one who's bitter. Forgotten director George Lucas attempted to buy the rights to make Flash Gordon into a film, but was beaten to it. Flash Gordon was made in all it's Blessed-heavy glory, and Lucas skulked off to make something called Star Wars. That was Saturday, the day Usain Bolt jogged to a world record, while I laboured up a canal towpath on a short walk.
As Saturday night turned into Sunday morning, my brother pointed out to me that Dmitri, the keytar player from Flight of the Conchords, is in fact the rather droll stand-up comedian Dmitri Martin, who you can see (well, hear) here. On Monday I redirected my gaze towards the Olympics once again - I know it's been an overused feature in recent days, but when I'm sat at home on the sick, in front of the TV, and no matter how hard I press the remote my senses are continually bombarded with cycling, sailing and all manner of prestigious yet entirely unwatchable events, it's pretty much inevitable. If you're not wilting at the sheer scale of this post already, I'll invite you to second guess this fact in advance - what do you think is the most dangerous sport in the world?
If you said crocodile goading, alpine aviation or the motorway 100m, you'd be wrong - it's the pole vault. This is generally due to the poles breaking and competitors being thrust to the asphalt below - like you couldn't have guessed that. I've always been slightly confused by pole vaulters, in so much as I don't understand how you find out you're good at it. Perhaps the great Sergey Bubka was once a painter/decorator back in Donetsk, fell backwards on his ladder in classic Frank Spencer style, and accidentally catapulted himself over an entire row of houses. Perhaps not. Of course, those flash fuckers over in China weren't the only ones bringing home the gold this week - hell no. I'm currently engaged in an epic Scrabulous clash, and am winning a best-of-5 contest 2-1, though frankly it should be all over by now. When you log in to Scrabulous (as I have done approximately 1000 times this week) it gives you a greeting in a random language. Imagine my surprise yesterday when I was greeted with the phrase 'Kia ora' - last heard describing a delicious brand of squash and immediately followed by the words 'oogy boogy boogy boogy' (in an ad that's a lot more racist than I remembered). Kia ora is in fact a traditional Maori greeting - it loosely translates as 'too orangey for crows'.
And so to tonight, 6 days on from the glory of Traffic Cops, and my new hero Usain Bolt has managed to break two world records in the time it took me to post one entry. Bet he's shit at Scrabulous though - no, actually, I imagine he's brilliant at that too. Tonight we watched a very odd 70s film called Lisa and the Devil, starring Telly 'Kojak' Savalas as Leandro, a butler who may or may not be the devil (hint: they superimposed a drawing of the devil over his face to show the incredible likeness). Telly Savalas is of course famous for a. being bald b. "who loves ya, baby?" and c. sucking on a lollipop (this is not a euphemism). Well, tonight I learned that Telly Savalas first sucked on a lollipop in Lisa and the Devil, as he was trying to give up smoking whilst making the film. Later the same year, and still struggling to stay off the tabs, Tel landed the plum role of Kojak, kept with the lollies, and a legend was born.
1 comment:
Aha, so I provided facts for you on two consecutive days! When this becomes a column in the guardian, I demand 10%. No, 20%!
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