<< One lives in a fantasy world, endlessly embarking on pointless missions of their own invention. The other is Captain Birdseye. Arf
A glorious day for the nation's media as they finally got to the chance to legally depict their arch-nemesis, Heather "I need more money for my, uh, charity" Mills as the following: "inconsistent" "far from candid" and "devoid of reality". Seriously, even I'm enjoying writing it, so imagine how they feel - and to the female newsreader on ITV's six o'clock bulletin, we all saw the wry smile play across your lips throughout the bulletin.
The fact that it was headline news above such trivial matters as mass graves and economic meltdown is pretty scandalous, but somehow I felt able to let it slide. Heather Mills seems like she's gone a bit wrong (oh god, she'll be on the phone to me now) - she bangs on about how all her legal fees should be going to charity, then demands a £3m New York apartment from her ex-husband. She throws a jug of water over his lawyer for being mean to her - she's supposed to, she's a lawyer. And there's the whole slagging the press while using them for her own ends business. The press have made her out to be a liar and a weirdo, which I think is a bit extreme, but she certainly is a dickhead of the highest order.
It wasn't all overdue comeuppances in the news today - the joy was tempered with sorrow, as we learnt of the peaceful passing of Captain Birdseye. No more shall we join him at the captain's table for some processed fish in a golden crumb. So here's what I learnt about the great seafarer, and if I'd only known sooner I could have met the legend in person, before it was too late:
Captain Birdseye's house is in Twickenham.
I've even been past the old seadog's former dwelling on the bus a few times. It's called Brinsworth House and is a retirement home for elderly people who once worked, or indeed continue to work in the business they call show. Previous residents (who have now, well, where do most people go after living in a retirement home?) include Thora Hird, Alan Freeman and Madge from the Dame Edna Everage show. Other residents include Bruce Forsyth's ex-wife, and a children's entertainer, which is pushing the showbiz envelope to breaking point. And amongst them walked the greatest sailor since Cap'n Crunch, now on a mission to the great captain's table in the sky.
OK, so he wasn't a real captain, he was an actor. His name was John Hewer and he is also famous for... just the Birdseye ads then. Are you happy now?
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